did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
