my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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