if i can run in heels then i can drive
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
