My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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