i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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