I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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