the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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