I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
