I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
