So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
