Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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