im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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