she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
please don't ironically join a cult
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