No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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