I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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