Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
