i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
