I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
