i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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