So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
