I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
