Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
