if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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