I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
