my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
