Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
