Banned from zoo.
Again?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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