did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
