a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Bring me that man meat
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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