the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
