My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
