OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
