My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
