: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
