What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
