I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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