Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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