I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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