Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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