So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
A bitchslap is in order.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
