worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
