his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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