I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Randomize
