would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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