I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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