I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
