Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
