The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
