How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
