I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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