hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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