Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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