btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
